Put Me To Sleep Evil Angel

As I sit writing my third essay for my English class one song is replayed on repeat on my iPod. Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin. I don’t really listen to this song unless I feel lost or confused about my life.

“Hold it together birds of a feather, nothing but lies and crooked wings. I have the answer spreading the cancer you are the faith inside me. No, don’t, leave me to die here, help me survive here. Alone”

I like the way this song makes me feel. I can’t really explain the feeling… I feel like the singer feels the way I feel. He understands the confusion and stress that I’ve been going through. The hurt and anger I feel toward the world. He wants someone to take all of it away, the pain the anger. He wants/needs The “Evil Angel” to leave….

“Put me to sleep evil angel, open your wings evil angel. I’m a believer nothing could be worse, all these imaginary friends. Hiding betrayal, driving the nail, hoping to find a savior. No, don’t, leave me to die here, help me survive here. Alone, don’t remember. Remember.”

To me this song is about a guy who is suffering. And it hurts so bad that he begging for a way out of misery. His evil angel can be many things from; drugs to death to life depending on how you see it. He could be feeling so much pain that getting rid of it through the “evil angel” is by taking drugs and numbing it. But that’s not how the song is connected to me. Or it could be death. Where he’s done suffering he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore so the “evil angel” is Death. For me "Evil Angel" is  life. Where he is going through such a hard time he feels the Evil angel is holding him back. He wants out he wants to live again, or in my case finally get the chance to live. He’s done and that’s how I feel.

“All these imaginary friends…” is all the fake people in my life. “Hiding betrayal..” they’ve stabbed me in the back and lied to my face. “Hoping to find a savior…” I’ve found my savior. He looks out for me the best he can when he doesn’t have too much on his plate. He does his best to make me feel better. He helps me survive when I feel alone, when I feel I have no one. I don’t want to remember all the things that the “imaginary friends” have done to me and he tries to help me forget that. I love him for being there for me, for trying his best to help me and still loving me in return after all the chaos my "problem" has put on us but sometimes it’s too much to ask from him and I can’t be dependent on him all the time. 

“Put Me to sleep evil angel, Open your wings evil angel. Fly over me evil angel. Why can I breathe evil angel?”

 I am going through harsh personal problems and all I want “ my little problem” to do is end. Evil Angel for me is people. People that bring me down, people that are being unloving toward me. People who’ve betrayed me. “Open your wings” for me means let me go of me. I don’t want you to do this to me anymore. “Fly Over me…” is leave. Go away from me. I don’t need you anymore because all you do it cause me pain. “Why can’t I breathe…?” is your suffocating me because of what you’re doing. You’re killing me with what you’ve done and I can’t take it anymore. That’s what Evil Angel is for me

I listen to this song repeatedly because it feels like a part of me. I feel like it was made for me. Everyone has a special song that touches a spot in their heart. Songs are amazing parts of everyone’s life because they make you feel emotions you thought you never had. This is why music is so important to me. You can always tell what kind of mood I’m in by the music I’m listening to…

Untitled sounds too lame.... Random is over used.... How about "Haphazardly".. yeah

So lately i've been having a hard time coming up with something to write about.... I dont know if i should write about how my week has gone, my excitement for thanksgiving break, my excitement for Halloween, or just life in general... Maybe i should do all of them... Yeah sounds good... Ok lets start....

My week so far has been.... AMAZING! My boyfriend has been here since Friday and is staying til Moday. I was so happy to see him I love him. We've been having movie nights, hiking, movie theaters, going into town and having alone time. I am having so much fun. I sit in clasee watching the clock and running outta class just to see him. His time visiting is coming to an end soon and i try not to think about it but i am going to miss him so much. Last weekend my family came, which was scary but i had fun and the weekend before that i went back home to see my boyfriend. So lately my friends have called me selfish since i've been seeing my loved ones alot. I cant wait for thanksgiving break.

Now, thanksgiving break is going to be problematic. My parents dont want me to be with my boyfriend so they dont want me staying at his house. But i love him and if they cant respect that then i am not going to see them. I love my parents too but i am afraid they are going to ruin my Thanksgiving. So i told them, i would spend half of Thanksgiving day with them, in the morning before they start drinking. When they drink that dont think and they say very very very VERY hurtful things to me. And then the rest of the day i plan to spend with my boyfriend and his family. I pray that my parents wont ruin it and kidnap me or hold me hostage.

Halloween is coming up and i have no costume!! I am very sad because i LOVE halloween but i am a broke college student and cant afford a costume. I knew what i wanted to be... A Merlotts Girl from True Blood but i think i am going to be my boyfriend and he is going to be me... Cheap Halloween. LOL... But i think we are going to a dance then trick or treating. Im excited...

So life..... I dont know what to say about it. Mine life is great right now. I'm young, in college and in love... I love lilfe too... I couldnt ask for more. I feel blessed everyday... even though i have crazy parents and i am sometimes too lazy to go to class i still love it. Actually i do have something to ask for... I wish that i had more patience and wasnt so jealous. Those are the things i pray for to the god i dont really believe in. Life is hard sometimes and i am happy that mine is going smooth... for now....

Let the Games Begin

So I had a hard time coming up with something to write about for my blog but I think I came up with a good topic… Scary Video Games and ZOMBIES!!! Yeah I love both... And when they are together it an Epic Event!

                Let’s start with my favorite scary video games. My first favorite video game that’s scary is Resident Evil. I love all of them; there’s a set of these games. The last one didn’t really consist of zombies, it was more diseased people with octopus tentacles coming out of their face, which is equally scary. But back in the day, when zombies were everywhere in Resident Evil was my best video game days. I was scared to even turn the corner because behind every turn, every closed door there could be a zombie or even worse a licker or mutant frogs.  Lickers were mutant people who crawled on walls and had these long tongues which they ate you with. The frog things could run faster than the characters and took several rounds of shot gun shells to finish them. But the best parts were the puzzles where if you didn’t get them right you could die. They were challenging and frustrating. The other awesome part is the government conspiracy behind the release of the T-Virus (zombie making disease).

The second one, I would have to say is the scariest, Fatal Frame. I wasn’t really sure what the point of the game was because I didn’t get really far; it was that scary. For me, nothing really scares me, and if it does its gotta be extremely scary that it would even give grown folks nightmares. So in the game all that I remember is I am walking down this hall in an old creepy house. I have nothing to see with except the flashlight the character is holding. As you continue down the hall it ends and right in front of you a ghost walks by, at the same time scary music blasts and I drop the remote. I couldn’t play. I was terrified.

                                The next two games I didn’t really have time to play them because of the lack of time Blockbuster or Hollywood would allow. The games are Condemned and Left for dead. Condemned was scary because it only gives you the point of view through the eyes of the character. So just like in real life you have to turn all the way around to see what’s behind you. And you never know what it could be. Because I didn’t play the game for very long I didn’t know what caused this outbreak of disease in the city. Left for dead I never played but I watched. It’s intense zombies come running at you in full speed screaming and blood everywhere. Its you and 4 other people and you have to make it from location to location in order to survive. You are armed to the teeth with guns and ammo. I want to play this game because I know it will give my daily dose of adrenaline rush and the scare.

                Some people don’t like playing the games they are fine and scared just watching. But not me. When you are holding the remote is totally different from watching. Because when you’re holding the remote it’s like you’re in the game. You make the moves, the decisions; you’re the one being chased. It’s amazing how with our imaginations we can transport ourselves into these games. I love the feeling of being scared, the feeling of running for my life. I know that if a zombie attack actually happens then I am prepared.

                I haven’t played video games in a while since I moved to Humboldt and I think I’m going trhough withdrawls…

The Good, the bad, The Batman.

This blog is going to be about why Batman is so great. It’s going to look at not only the Batman but the man behind the mask Bruce Wayne and the choices he made. Also with this analysis I will put an end to the debate whether Batman or Superman is a better superhero.

Batman is not a “superhero” in the sense that he is seen as a vigilante. He also isn’t a “super hero” because he doesn’t have super powers that came from a radioactive spider, krypton, or mutant DNA. Batman relies solely on his skills in fighting. People say that he would be nothing without his suit but I disagree, if Bruce Wayne was indeed not dressed as Batman and was being robbed I’m positive that he would kick some serious butt.

Another reason that makes Batman so great is that people can relate to him. When Bruce was a child his parents were shot and killed right in front of him. I must admit that might also be the reason why he has some mental disorders, split personality. But like any other human he was hurt by this traumatic event but he also never wanted it to happen again to anyone. He wanted revenge but not with the spill of blood. This was the start of Batman.

Statically speaking any other person who might have witnessed such an event would have turned to violence and revenge. But not the Batman, that only fueled his desire to do good. He made the choice to be a good guy and fight people like the ones who killed his parents. The only thing that keeps him going is his parent’s death. But that doesn’t define Bruce Wayne as a person. What defines him is the fact that he chose to do good, what defines him is the choice he made when he became the Batman.

Another trait in which people can relate to is that unlike Superman who lives in a Utopia like city, where the sun is always shinning, is Batman lives in the contrary side of Metropolis. Gotham reflects the “everyday” city where people feel helpless and long for safety. Where innocent people are killed and screams go ignored. Not all cities are like this but all cities are not as peaceful as Metropolis.

One reason why I find Batman so much better than Superman is that there are deeper psychological roots behind each character. My favorite twisted character is the Joker. Who in all sense is a greater villain than Lex Luthor. The Joker is an insane, homicidal maniac. He has many disorders from split personality, to schizophrenia, to having a substance abuse.  But despite all these faults I believe the Joker is/was a brilliant man. He had a point; any man can go insane. I think he had some kind of super sanity where he re-creates himself every day to cope with the chaotic flow of modern life. He has no real personality; it changes day to day depending on how it benefits him.  He ridicules Batman saying that he’s a weakling doomed to insanity.

            So all in all, I think Batman is a better superhero/vigilante because people can relate to him more than Superman, Who, is an alien from another planet. Superman cant really grasp the pain and sorrow regular human people go through every day. Batman can. He is, as the movie states, The Dark Knight.

I've Been Lied Too...

I have a class called "Living Myths". This is an upper division class... It has to do with religion and its involvement with war and peace. Its an upper division class.. Why take this class if you’re freshmen you ask? Well there are two reasons. One, It was general education and I needed more of those. And Two, it sounded interesting and it is. I like it, it was one of the few classes I was looking forward too. So, after the first 5 weeks of class I sat back and listened to all the Sophomores/Juniors/Seniors argue back and forth their opinion on why people have different religions and how it plays out in the way they view the world. Today in class my “bubble” was bursted…

One of the upper classmen said “I T.A for one of the freshmen history classes. And I watch as their bubbles are bursted when they find out that everything they’ve learned about history in grades k-12 was a lie… They think Christopher Columbus was a great guy but he really wasn’t, he killed thousands of people.”… I paused on this thought… I knew that when people came over from Britain that they killed some people but really? Thanksgiving is a lie… a false story… a myth…

I was confused… I thought everything taught in school was true.. Like math, you cant have anything false because you cant do the problem… But my history class, my favorite class, was all a fairy tale. Before this class I knew that there could be possible other stories but all of it fake? It scares me that I might not know the truth behind our so called “great” nation…

The other students continued to talk about how the puritans came here to get away from the oppression that was over them in Britain. But when they got here, because Native Americans were, “savages” and didn’t believe in what the puritans did they slaughtered them. So when they got away from the oppression they placed it onto other people. It was backwards. They wanted freedom but when other “foreign” people came with different views they oppressed them… Why? Was it the hurt feeling they had and took it out on the Natives?

After class I called my boyfriend and told him I will no longer celebrate Thanksgiving.. Why would I want to celebrate a fake holiday? I don’t want to celebrate the slaughter of thousands of Native Americans. Children are told in elementary school that Columbus met the Native Americans and had a dinner and lived happily ever after. But that’s not how it went. Why do we lie to our youth? … He laughed when I told him how I felt lied too my whole life… He said “yeah everything is fake, too make the country look good.” So what else is a lie about the history of our nation?

Learning that our nation is full of Myths only makes me more excited for my Living Myths class.  I cannot wait to learn more about how religion fuels wars on our planet.

Theres an Elephant in the Room

So the topic I chose to write about in position paper was the abuse of animals in the circus. Mainly Ringling Brothers Circus. There is a lot of coverage on this story and many mixed opinions. I was talking about it with my boyfriend and he was asking why I see animals as more important than humans. I have many reasons, they were here first. Animals were on this earth before we were. We live on their land and have taken over thus killing off species. Another reason is their Helpless. They can’t speak, they usually have no clue what is going on and if they do attack usually it’s because they are scared. People beat them and torture them then take their lives without taking into consideration the feelings and the pain the animal was put through. I believe people who abuse any kind of animal has a terrible self-esteem. They get pleasure and feel “bigger, powerful” when they hurt a helpless being. So why do I think animals and the planet is more important? Well in my opinion, I believe people don’t have the right to live here anymore. We’ve lost touch into what’s important and that keeping this beautiful planet and all its creatures alive and healthy.

We kill and kill this planet for our benefit without thinking of the consequences or how we affect other living beings around us. Millions of species have gone extinct because of our pollution. We speed up the extinction rate with all the crap we pump into the earth. My family makes fun of me and calls me a tree hugger but I really think Mother Nature is so much more important than our self needs for cars, oil and other none essential things. Our ancestors lived perfectly fine without all these electricity, cars, ac/heaters etc. Why cant we do that again?

A movie that I really liked that has to do with pollution was Avatar. We could live the like Navi people. We just choose not too. Their “god” is the earth and all the plants. Their brothers and sisters are the animals that live with them. They only kill when necessary and when they do kill for food they take it all and do it respectfully. All we do is take and take. Of course in Avatar the human population and their greedy wants for the precious “stones” killed everything in the movie. I cried when the tree fell. It was their home and our selfish needs destroyed it. That what we are doing to our planet. We are slowly killing it and its very sad that we let it get to this point. One day Mother Earth will show us whos boss and completely wipe us out. So yeah, I get really worked up about animals and the planet… Ok, well stay tuned for next week!!

Hello Self...

I wasn’t really sure what to write about in my first blog. I can’t have all of my blogs about the same thing. I was going to write about the troubles I have with my family and my boyfriend who is older than me. Then I thought about writing about the animals in my life, or maybe my experiences in college. But I wanted to start off big and something that hit close to my heart.


This quote was sent to me by my boyfriend. He said “this reminds me of you”

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of lives longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrow may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archers hand be for gladness. For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable..."—Alfred Knopf. 1955

This is a powerful quote with great meaning to me because my parents try to live their lives through me and it held me back for years. But breaking away from them, lead me to Humboldt. Now I didn’t come from a broken home but my family, as everyone’s, has its problems. My family is a little crazy. They can be overprotective and selfish. I had to fight my way to get to Humboldt. I sucked up all the guilt they placed on me and refused all the bribes they offered and left. I needed to…

My Parents need to understand that when I got older I no longer wanted the same things I did as an young child. I formed my own opinions and was ready to make my own decisions. I know what makes me happy now, I know what I want. That doesn’t mean I don’t like their help every once in a while. But I cannot carry the burden that is my parents. They try to make me feel like they are dependent on me, that I am everything and without me they have nothing else. I don’t want that. I won’t go anywhere and will not experience life, that’s not fair to me…

Now my parents aren’t horrible, I love them. But they don’t know how to let go. Then I started to think of other parents, then parenthood in general. Statically speaking, people who have good, supportive parents tend to do better in life. Some parents don’t know that they are supposed to let go, I know I’m not a parent yet and don’t know the feeling but, being selfish like that does no good for the parent nor the child. Their child will never fully get to experience life with the weight of their parents on their backs.

Well, yup that’s pretty much all I have to say about that quote. I really like it and it touches a place in my heart. Ok, stay tuned for next week!!! Oh, and my blogs will most likely be random, I haven’t found a “theme” yet. And for parents that may be reading this no offense, I’m just speaking from my experience…